Dos and don’ts of first dates in the lifestyle
We are by no means dating experts. In fact, I’m incredibly shy and probably the most awkward person on the planet, especially when I think someone is super attractive. We are quite a quirky couple. Certainly not everyone’s cup of tea. But here’s the thing: no one is. So while I set out to give you some tips, keep in mind this is allll about people’s preferences. These are just things we’ve come across in the swinger lifestyle that are either super sexy to me, important to me, or completely unnecessary to me.
Please, for the love of god, do NOT:
Do not walk into a date late and proceed to go into a monologue about your ex wife (or any drama, really). Immediate red flag. Are you not over her? Do you have this much drama with everyone? No thanks! Avoid heavy topics, at least at first. Politics, religion, personal information (where people work), ect should be off limits in the beginning, in my opinion. Once the relationship is there, I love exploring these topics with friends if it feels appropriate!
Do not lie about who you are. This includes what you look like. I understand people may be cautious about sharing photos for privacy purposes, but we’re talking deliberate lies here. Don’t use a photo from 25 years ago or a photo of someone else. Don’t lie about your experience level. This sets the foundation for a bad experience, in my opinion. We have walked out of dates before because people lie.
Do not continue to pursue a couple if your partner is not interested. It’s fucking obvious. Far too many times a partner tries to pressure their own partner to “take one for the team” and that’s unacceptable in my opinion. There are so many couples in the lifestyle. There is no doubt you will meet a couple you’re both into! If your partner doesn’t want to swing, don’t force it. It’s not fair to put other people in that awkward situation.
Do not Touch without asking consent. Don’t assume! Especially on the first date, ask before putting your arm around someone/holding hands/kissing/ect. First of all, consent is just fucking sexy. and basic? Second of all, you do not want to cross any boundaries. Some couples don’t kiss or approve of certain kinds of affection. It’s not your place to be judgmental about it. Boundaries should always be respected!
Dos:
Make your intentions known. The beauty of the lifestyle is that people are really open. If you want a specific sexual scenario, ease into it and see if they’re interested. Communicate any boundaries, kinks, fantasies, ect. Create safe words. Create hard no’s. Are you poly and looking for a romantic connection? Are you a swinger and just looking for sexual fun and friends? Know where the line is and respect it.
Go in with no expectations. If you go in with expectations, you will be let down. Be open to various scenarios. Talk those scenarios through with your primary partner to make sure you’re on the same page. Above all, enjoy the experience! Even if you don’t connect with the new couple, think about how you’re building a shared experience with your partner. Even if everything goes to hell, know you will have a shared memory to laugh about for the rest of your lives.
Take every opportunity to make sure you’re as comfortable as possible. If you’re like me and you can’t hear for shit, maybe opt for a more quiet location where you can have these conversations. Wear clothes that make you feel sexy. If you’re worried about running into people you know, don’t frequent popular spots. Above all, chat beforehand! You can usually get a feel for the couple through your messages.
Be safe. Verify that the person is who they say they are (ask for live pictures/snapchat, get various photos, or hop on a quick video chat). We always meet in a public location for the first meeting, usually near our home or a hotel that we can move to if things go well. Don’t give information about your family or kids, where you work, clubs or organizations you’ve involved in, or anything that could allow someone to find you. Finally, ensure that location sharing services are OFF. If you add someone on Snapchat, make sure you are on ghost mode so that others cannot see your current location.
We’ve had our share of amazing dates and dates that.. well.. are now memories we laugh about. Just remember, not everyone is for you. You’re not obligated to continue with everyone you meet. Your pleasure, your safety, your happiness, your relationship comes above everything!