the impact of the lifestyle on our relationship: Part 3 Coming back together

This post is part of a series looking at how the lifestyle has impacted our relationship over the years. While the lifestyle can be one of the most unifying, connecting experiences for a couple, it also has the potential to cause hardship on couples if both people aren’t on the same page and communicating openly about their wants, needs, and desires.

The last post in this series covered how we approached difficulties in communication. For us, self-reflection and therapy were absolutely essential in understanding each other, our communication styles, and how and when to approach difficult topics. Because of this period, we connected in a way that’s remained incredibly strong. Today, I want to look at how we’ve maintained our communication and one of our first experiences following this period.

After stepping away from the lifestyle and working on our communication for a number of months, our relationship was working really well. I had an understanding of my partner’s communication styles and expectations, and he understood mine. We were having a lot of fun just the two of us and we felt ready to start preparing to enter the lifestyle again.

At this point, we both understood that things in our relationship were phenomenal, but we both longed for connection, particularly with other couples. **This is where I want to throw in the incredible cliche: if things are broken in your relationship, entering the lifestyle will not fix your issues. Neither will having a kid.

I’m not someone who has had many long-lasting friendships, or any friendships at all in recent years. In college, I worked 4 jobs while taking a crazy course load and being overly involved on campus. Combine that with the fact I graduated in two years with two majors and three minors, there was no time at all left for friends. Besides my partner, I felt extremely isolated.

Traditional friendships have always been difficult for me. I often feel misunderstood and like I have to hide parts of myself. After exploring this in therapy, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is because I don’t conform to a lot of the traditional views on so many things, including monogamy. Throughout my life, I’ve always felt like I could only show one side of me to people. Whether it’s my sexy side, or my intelligent, book-worm side, or my political side, there are so many people in my life where I can only be one version of myself. My partner was the first person I truly felt like I could show my whole self. Even in past relationships, I felt like I had to stifle aspects of who I was in order to make things work. I now know this is unrealistic, and those relationships were never going to work. I also know that it’s okay to only show parts of yourself to others. You need to protect yourself, though this doesn’t make it any less isolating.

Aside from our crazy sexual fantasies as a couple, this search for friendship and community is really what brought me back to the lifestyle. For me, it was never about sex as much as it was about having that connection with someone else. To be able to talk freely about everything. To be your true self. And for me, all of this can occur outside of a romantic relationship. To me, this is what friendship is about.

So, we sat down and talked about the lifestyle some more. We revisited our first few experiences to agree on where things went wrong. We created boundaries such as same-room play. We both gained a better understanding of the scenarios that would work and not work for us. Overall, this brought us even closer together. Is fantasizing with your lover not the sexiest thing in the world? To have these ideas in our head and just talk about them was thrilling.

Funny enough, our second experience in this new era was a threesome. We met an incredible guy. At first, I was incredibly hesitant. The last threesome had caused a lot of issues for us. Did we really change that much? Were we really ready?

At first, I tried to deny that it was what I wanted to avoid problems. I let my partner take the lead and continue to pursue other people, but at the back of my mind I was still thinking about that guy. We had a wonderful, sexy experience with another couple, but I still came back to that guy. After about a day of recurring thoughts and about three shots of tequila, I felt bold enough to test our new relationship, or at least allow us to have a challenging conversation. This alone reflected a big change: the ability to communicate something he might not agree with; the vulnerability to be rejected.

With fear that I was going to strike a nerve, I stared at my food and moved it across the plate. Without even looking up, I started.

Me: Can I tell you something?

Him: Uh, yeah, sure. Everything okay?

Me: Yeah, I just wanted to say that I’ve been thinking about that guy, and I kind of want to go back to the room with you and him and get fucked by both of you…

Holy fuck. In an instant, he was on his feet ready to run back to the room and make this happen. I’d never loved him more, not because he said yes, but because we had finally reached a really good place where I felt comfortable enough to express my desires, even if he wouldn’t have agreed. The fact that he did agree was just an added benefit. The fact that he felt strong enough in our relationship to even try the scenario again reflected the growth.

We proceeded to have one of our sexiest experience to dates, one that we would repeat a few more times before we left that event. That guy would turn into one of our good friends, one we’re planning to see again very soon! We are so grateful to have had that experience and left with an amazing friend.

That’s not to say the story ends here, though. We did face some more challenges following this experience. This will be covered in the last part of this series exploring post-play reflection, keeping in touch, and creating new boundaries.