the impact of the lifestyle on our relationship: Part 2 GRowing separately and together
This post is part of a series looking at how the lifestyle has impacted our relationship over the years. While the lifestyle can be one of the most unifying, connecting experiences for a couple, it also has the potential to cause hardship on couples if both couples aren’t on the same page and communicating openly about their wants, needs, and desires.
The last post in this series left off with us taking a step back from the lifestyle after an extremely quick few months. We decided to end things with the person we were seeing and get off of the sites and focus on ourselves. This step back was the best thing we could have done for our relationship. We wouldn’t be here today without the tools we acquired during this time.
I’m a big proponent of therapy. It allowed me to process years of trauma. It allowed me to understand who I am, what I want, and where my personal values are.
We both decided to see therapists. We also started reading books. We started listening to podcasts by therapists, lifestylers, relationship experts, and so much more.
For me, I needed to understand where Sam was coming from. I read about attachment styles, personality types (Myers Briggs) and other things that probably sound extremely silly. At the end of the day, it helped me to understand that the way I was acting was limiting our ability to communicate. I wasn’t really understanding his concerns or insecurities. I wasn’t understanding my role in it. Knowing this, I was able to ask questions to better understand what my partner felt and what my partner said he needed.
I also did a lot of introspection. Soul searching if you will. I read Consent by Jill Climent which explores topics of power imbalance and morality through her experience in an age-gap relationship. I also read excerpts from The Ethical Slut and Polysecure which were recommended by our therapists. They deal with topics of ethical non-monogamy and how to be successful in relationships. Sam also has a workbook for us to use in situations of jealousy, though we honestly have never used that.
Collectively, we changed the way we communicate. We moved from a toxic place where we were struggling to communicate to a place where we try to understand each other’s wants, needs, and desires BECAUSE we communicate about everything. In the ability to communicate, we were able to rectify behaviors that triggered unnecessary bad feelings.
Some things we do to make sure we’re properly communicating:
Check in 1:1 after each experiences to see what we liked/didn’t like. This helps guide our future interactions. It really is always getting better.
Always take time to communicate our boundaries
If there’s a big conversation that needs to be had such as changing a boundary, we can schedule time without distractions (if needed) to sit down and really have the conversation
While we actually haven’t done couple’s therapy, we plan to and know that it’s always a resource for us to use. Therapy isn’t something to be used only if things are broken!
Through this transition, we went through periods where we were struggling, but ended up in a place that’s better than we’ve ever experienced. I can say with confidence that each difficult conversation was absolutely necessary to get us to where we are today: flourishing.