the impact of the lifestyle on our relationship: Part 1 lessons learned
This post is part of a series looking at how the lifestyle has impacted our relationship over the years. While the lifestyle can be one of the most unifying, connecting experiences for a couple, it also has the potential to cause hardship on couples if both couples aren’t on the same page and communicating openly about their wants, needs, and desires.
If you’ve listened to any of the podcasts I’ve put out, you’ve heard me talk how positively the lifestyle has impacted our relationship. Unfortunately, this hasn’t always been the case. Today I wanted to briefly touch on some of the bumps we faced in the beginning of our journey and how we worked through them.
Sam and I started seeing each other before we probably should have. I was fresh out of a 5-year relationship and had barely had time to catch my breath, let alone heal from the pain that comes with losing someone who was once your best friend. Sam’s marriage had recently dissolved and they were in the process of separating. When we met, neither of us were looking for anything serious, but man, love finds a way.
From the beginning of our relationship, things almost didn’t feel real because of the level of honesty that we had. From our past relationships and trauma to our biggest unrealized sexual fantasies, we talked for hours and communicated with ease. Everything was out in the open and things felt surreal.
Our first sexual encounter was actually a threesome: I was seeing someone else casually who had proposed the idea, and I said yes, as long as I could pick the guy. I knew it was a fantasy of Sam’s and I knew he would make me feel comfortable. From that first experience on, we very quickly moved into seeing each other often. Things got more serious, we stopped seeing other people, and moved into a monogamous relationship, the only kind we’d known.
But the sexual fantasies didn’t go away, and as we continued forward, we wanted to keep living out our fantasies. Within a few months of our new relationship, we decided connect with people online and trying to set things up.
The first encounter we had was with a single man. At first, things were lovely. We had the sexiest, dirtiest threesome and enjoyed each other’s company. We both knew we wanted to repeat this situation. But as we continued seeing this guy, Sam got edged out of play time, and the lines between a sexual relationship and a romantic connection got blurred. During sex, he would ask Sam if he could have some time alone, and banging quickly ended and turned into cuddles and pillow talk.
At first, Sam and I really struggled. We had fun with the guy— from dinners to hot tubs and beyond, the number interests we all had in common were amazing. But Sam saw he wanted more. I blindly denied it until it became undeniable. He would text me privately and request more time.
Honestly, this caused a lot of trouble for us, and if I could go back and do it again, I would tell myself to snap the fuck out of it. Swinging is about connections, yes, but the connection falls within boundaries. We know that at the end of the day, it’s about sharing and having fun with your partner (in one way or another), whereas polyamory is more geared towards folks who are looking to have multiple romantic partners.
At this point, we didn’t even have the vocabulary to recognize our situation or the difference. We didn’t know swinging and polyamory had names, and we didn’t understand why we weren’t on the same page. So we stopped everything, had honest conversations, and focused on the root issues we were facing.
My relationship with Sam is the most important thing in my life. Having sexual experiences with others was never about looking for an additional romantic partner, but about flirting, having friends, and above all feeling connected to people. But it was also about respect, and this relationship had become disrepectful.
Eventually, we stepped back, focused on ourselves, and got to a place where we had the vocabulary and could have the conversations that we really needed to have.
If I could do things again, I would:
Have had conversations about our boundaries, including during sex, after sex, and communication outside of time together in person. We have since decided that for all swinging relationships, we’d be in the same room. We would stay inside of a group chat to keep all 4 (or 3) partners engaged. We should have also discussed cuddling, sharing during sex, hopes and desires for each encounters.
Have truly listened to my partner. Because I enjoyed our time with this person so much, I ignored the extremely valid concerns of my partner when they first appeared. If I would do it again, I would have stopped everything as soon as my partner was uncomfortable with the situation, because at the end of the day, we are the priority. He deserves respect and time to process emotions and likes and dislikes.
Have checked in with my partner at the end of each encounter. How did it make you feel? Was it sexy? Was it uncomfortable? Let this guide if it happens again.
Not every person is going to be right for you and your partner. Boundaries, open communication, and respect are absolutely vital to a successful relationship and lifestyle experience. I’m so grateful that we’ve learned these lessons, as painful as they might have been at one point. We are now closer than ever.